|
|
Jackie
|
|||
|
Are Scottish Men The Sexiest?This years social survey looks at the sexual habits of the typical west of Scotland male. Our experts have recreated a typical Scotsman’s night of passion. THE PREPARATION Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac – 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions-his mind set on one thing: LOVE! Or as he ys himself “ ma nookie”. His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous xcitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, ntreating her with gentle persuasive words of passion- “ any chance ama hole?”. The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is mewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the frivolous reply “ awaity fuck ya bam”. FOREPLAY Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid marks own, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic chant “here we go, here we go, here we go”. Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol-induced double vision. INITIAL PROBLEMS After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s wee willie winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as “Ya useless bastard”, or possibly “It never happens to the milkman”. Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, “How’d you like to get your teeth into this?” The woman nods willingly and points to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. “On ye go” she says “but don’t disturb me”. Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke “Bastard, ye could have told me it was your bad week”. DOWN TO BUSINESS Eventually the moment comes to consummate their love. Again alcohol-induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into position he may suffer from severe ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using a poetic phrase “Oh fuck a’ve shot ma load. If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as perhaps informing her that she’s the nicest woman he’s ever met. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, say’s such things as “snotters, shite, arsehole”. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she offers a word of encouragement such as “are you sure it’s in?”. Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout “Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man. Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. There’s no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman-a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex. |
Stewart