Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.   
• If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
• If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
• If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.