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Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, nothing will make you happy.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators
are too busy to talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on
the fan, lie down and cry.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess
it up.
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Stewart