Jackie Stewart
       

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Poos

  1. THE GHOST POO
    The kind of poo where you feel it come out and you know you've done it, but when you wipe there is nothing on the paper and there is no poo in the toilet. Where did it go?
  2. THE CLEAN POO
    The sort of poo which is so smooth and streamlined that it virtually falls out of your bottom. You can see poo in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
  3. THE HOT TAR POO
    The kind of poo where even after 50 wipes you are still getting staining on the paper so you have to put some bog roll between your bum cheeks and in your underwear to prevent skid marks.
  4. THE SECOND THOUGHT POO
    Just as you think you've finished your poo and have painfully wiped yourself clean and pulled your pants to the knee, you realise there is still some more poo to come out.
  5. THE LINCOLN LOG POO
    The kind of poo that's so huge you're afraid that it will not flush down the toilet unless you break it up into little pieces with the bog brush. This poo only happens when you are at somebody else house.
  6. THE SWEETCORN POO
    Self-explanatory
  7. THE "I WISH I COULD POO" POO
    You really feel as if you need to poo but every time you try, all you manage is a couple of tiny farts.
  8. THE SIDE BIRTH or THE BOO-HOO POO
    This poo hurts so much that you swear it is coming out sideways, your eyes water and you will probably needs stitches.
  9. THE FISHERMAN'S BOBBER OR FLOATING POO
    You do your poo and flush 2 times but there are still several golf-ball size pieces floating above the water
  10. THE SULTANA POO
    This type of poo is really frustrating. You get yourself prepared for a "Side - Birth" and spend about half an hour sweating it out on the bog, but all you manage in the end is a small plop resembling a sultana
  11. THE INSPIRATIONAL POO
    This is when you have a revelation on the toilet. You're sitting on the pan when suddenly a resolution to a problem or an inspirational thought pops into your head. This is a rare poo which only gifted people can do
  12. THE NERVOUS POO
    An all too familiar poo to many, these poos occur when you are in a nervous state. An example could be when you are waiting for a job interview, this is when the nervous-poo-bowel-movement kicks in. Nervous poos consist mainly of farts.